To me you're just a phase

I just am yet again fed up.  I just want to be with someone.  I don't want to stop regretting the decisions I've made.  I want to start being happy with them.  And no matter what I do I can't.  I just want to know that I have a future, and I just feel like my future is behind me.  I know I'm only 22, but when I pictured my life when I was younger, when I was 22 I had already had my shit figured out.  My life just isn't sorting itself out the way I wanted to.  I need something....

I don't even know where to begin.  I hate getting this feeling like all the time!  I just get so frustrated being single.  I don't get it.  I look at the gay guys that I know, not all of them, but I just don't get it.  Everyone is so superficial and self-centered, and I just don't understand how they have guys and I don't.  Like, all the gay guys I know just go around cheating on each other, and everyone knows about it, and no one cares.  It just really frustrates me how I try to be so honest with people, and I get nothing.  While people who lie, cheat, and back stab are in relationships every other week.  Like what do I have to do?  The answer, is nothing.  I refuse to turn myself into something I'm not.  If I have to be single until I'm 40, and still have my dignity, I will survive somehow.  I just have to get my frustration out every now and then.  I miss cuddling.....

I don't even know when I last updated or what it was about.  But I just got bored today and figured what the hell, why not update.  I feel like I only update when I have something to bitch about, and no one to bitch to.  I don't know why I'm even upset.  Life is going good.  I moved out into a house that I love living in.  I'm going to school, even though I'm basically failing out and going nowhere.  I'm just still missing that big part, a relationship.  I've been hooking up with this guy for like 2 months, and I'm assuming we're over as of now.  But I just don't get him.  It's clear he doesn't want anything more than just hooking up, and as much as I like hooking up with him, I can't just do that.  We haven't had sex, or anything even close, and that doesn't really bother me at all.  Still I am frustrated because either be with me, or let me go.  I don't want an in between stage of not knowing what we are.  I just wish it was easier for me to find someone.  I'm so over just dating people.  I want to find someone to be with.  I just keep thinking what would have happened if Myles and I stayed together.  I don't know.  I probably shouldn't think that way because I'm sure that would never happen again.  I guess i just have to stop being such a little bitch about it.  Everyone is single at some point.  I just want someone to be with.  Whatever.   

I need a serious update sometime soon, but i haven't had time to do so.  However, I'm going to Cancun in 2 days!!!!  I can't wait :o)

i fucking hate when you know your teacher is going to cancel class, so you check your email and there is nothing.  So you go to class, and there is the fucking note that says its canceled.  UGH, i hate that!

Ugh, I have so much to update about, I really don't even know where to begin.

Work.  Work has been good?  I don't know.  Its work?  When have I ever had much good to say about my job.  Its been hard because I have been working shitty shifts, and making shitty money, so I haven't been going out as much as i used to.  I miss seeing my friends a lot, and go out and having fun with them.  But I still see them sometimes and I just don't drink.  I also am having trouble paying my bills.  For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to take 700 dollars out of my student loan fund to pay for a trip to Cancun?  But now I'm regretting that choice.  I started saving 50 dollars every time I worked, and I was up to like 350, but then my regular bills came around, and I had to spend all my money on those, so that money quickly went away.  But I figured, once I get back from Cancun, I'm going to P-town, and then I'm just going to work for the rest of the summer and save up money.  I still pretty much hate my job though.

School.  School has been winding down, thankfully.  I had a paper last week that I started the day it was due, and managed to finish it with the help of an outside source who will be brought up further down.  It actually ended up being a lot better than I thought it would, seeing as how I was Mr.procrastination.  Other than that I don't have too much on my plate right now.  I have a portfolio thats due between Thursday and Tuesday, but it is pretty much done.  But I have to buy software for it, and its 70 dollars, which I obviously don't have.  GEO, I'm not so sure about.  Ive missed some major points, but I still think I may manage with a low B?  Hopefully a high C.  HIS 102 is going well.  Ive been doing steadily good throughout.  HIS of Spain, I basically hate.  I don't even care what I get in that class as long as it is passing.  That sounds bad, but I really just can't force myself to apply myself to something I don't care about.  I have no interest in teaching about the ancient history of Spain.  That sounds bad because I want to teach most likely European history, but Spain is so boring.  Actually its not, its my teachers horrible teaching methods that make me so bored.  Its teachers like that who make me want to be a teacher and change the way educators run a classroom.  Whatever, I' done with my rant

Relationships?  It is true.  My last entry said I had a smile on my face, and it's definitely still there.  I've been seeing this youngin' for a little over a month now, but it's only been official for two weeks . So far, so amazing.  I'm having the greatest time with him.  We really have so much fun together.  I'm really liking where things are going.  We have redic schedules, and I know  he's reading this right now :o)  But we somehow make it work.  But lets face it, a guy who will sleep with me on a couch when i blackout, who takes me home when i throw up, and who puts up with the fact that i tell him i hate him every time I get drunk (all of which happened on different nights), is clearly a keeper.  I get a little nervous cause he's leaving for a month in July to go to Paris.  I mean its only a month, but its a month in Paris.  So its a little scary.  It's also scares to have this feeling again.  I guess I'm just still scared of getting hurt by people.  Since, its pretty much all that has really ever happened to me, even though I've been the one who hurt too.  For right now we're just taking it one step at a time.  It's definitely hard because he lives in the dorm, and I live at home still.  But he is moving into his own apartment, but it's not like I'm going to just be there every night.  I don't want to jinx anything, because I like what we have, so I'm going to end things here on a positive note!


You've got magic inside your finger tips
Its leaking out all over my skin

theres a smile on my face, that won't go away!  But it feels good, so I think I'm gonna keep it there

so i sort of met someone, but i'm not going into details because im sure it will be ruined soon by me.  but we'll see

I really love all of my friends.  I'm not quite sure where I would be without them, and I don't think I want to know.

So I know that I wanted to update a couple days ago, but I just haven't had the motivation.  To be honest, I don't really have it right now, but I'm just bored.  Lately things have been so blah for me I feel.  Well I guess I can't really say that.  I've been having a lot of fun with colleen lately.  I love that we hang out again, it really puts a big smile on my face because we always just laugh non-stop together, and thats what I need.  I've been going out in Philly a lot more too.  Like, Thursdays are basically Sisters nights, and I have to say, that I love it.  Because not only do I get to be in philly, but I get to see Naomi and Jamie on a more regular basis.  I just love those guys, and it always cheers me up.  But I don't know.  I still feel like I am being so useless.  I've been trying really hard in school lately.  I had my mid terms last week, which is weird because now this week everybody is being a hermit, while that was me last week.  I got an 88 on one of them, which is o.k. I guess. I  studied for like 9 hours though, which makes me sad about it. 

I don't know why I feel that I have to be in a relationship to be happy.  You would think that after being single for as long as I have, that I would have gotten used to it by now.  But no.  I still feel so incomplete.  I think I just miss the feeling of butterflies.  I miss telling someone goodnight, and texting them silly things.  I feel like I cut and paste the same entry like once a month.  I don't know.  I guess I just give my hopes up about situations that always just end up falling through.  But at the same time, I feel like I really don't know what I want.  Like, I want a relationship, but I feel like I want a relationship based on my terms.  I don't even know what those terms are.  But I just don't want to end up in a dead end relationship again.  Whatever.  I feel like I have the relationship touch of death.  No matter what I do, or who I'm with, I will probably always fuck it up. 

I'm so excited for spring break.  And there are 5 reasons why.  Jess, Colleen, Naomi, Jamie, Britney.  Like, I'll be working a little, but obviously the night life is going to be mucho beuno!  I am excited.  And this saturday is Jen's bday party.  It's going to be ridick!  I can't even wait.  I really love it when I get to see the people who really know me.  I always know how to have a good time when I am with them.  Hopefully spring break will get me out of my funk!  Too bad I have to go get ready for class :o(

Someone is waiting
someone who understands exactly how you feel
exactly how you feel..
someone is dreaming
someone is hoping just that this will be the day
that this will be the day..

that you take your eyes off the ground
out of the blue
and see that someone is looking right
back at you..

maybe that someone's me
maybe it's meant to be
lovers, strangers
sometimes bombs fall quietly..
maybe it's chemistry
maybe it's hard to see that someone is the right one
i hope that someone is me..

nobody's perfect
nobody's perfect no one really knows the truth
all we've got's a point of view..
and there's too many questions
there's too many questions and too many reasons not to try
there's too many reasons not to try..

but you should take your eyes off the ground
out of the blue
and see that someone is looking right
back at you..

maybe that someone's me
maybe it's meant to be
lovers, strangers
sometimes bombs fall quietly..
maybe it's chemistry
maybe it's hard to see that someone is the right one
i hope that someone is me..

where ya gonna go from here??
cause everything you need's out there
and you can have it if you dare
if you dare
there's someone somewhere..

ugh i havent updated in a while and i probably should.  maybe tomorrow!    

So I got a new phone.  Its a Sony Ericsson Walkman, its pretty sweet.  Except for the fact that I have no idea how to put songs on it, its fine.

Last night was my work's Valentines Day Party.  I basically had so much fun.  I don't know what my deal is, but lately I have been smoking massive amounts of marijuana.  I mean, I just like it.  I dunno.  But I did have so much fun last night.  I seriously love all of the people I work with.  We all have so much fun together, and we truly are like a little family.  We all made each other valentines and put them in bags.  It was really cute.  We are so lame.  It was kind of like in elementary school when you make a shoe box and do it, but it was really fun, and my friend Jason gave everyone condoms, it was hilarious. 

Despite that, I still hate my job!

I hung out with Colleen twice this week!  It was sort of like the best week ever because of it!

so I was going to text someone last night, who i shouldn't have, but then my phone snapped in half.  It's probably a sign from a higher power that I shouldn't have texted that person, so it's a good thing.  Except for the fact that I have to buy a new phone, BOO!

ya know, I know i get stressed a lot about stuff.  But when my dad calls me and tells me how proud he is of me, it really just makes things better.  It's a nice way for my head to be cleared.  I love my dad, even though I sometimes can not stand him.

Yes so I am really excited because I just found out that I have 5500 dollars for this semester in student loans.  Basically, my parents can get off of my back!  Holla!

I feel like the only time I ever feel bad about myself is when I'm at home doing nothing.  Probably because its the only time that I can think about things without hearing someone else's input, not that thats a bad thing.  I just, I don't even know.  I feel like I am such a screw up.  I know I say that a lot, but I do think it's true.  I just feel like everything I do, is the wrong step.  I have taken so long to get to college, and I'm still not even close to being finished.  Like, I want to move on with my life so bad, and I just feel like I am stuck.  I feel like such a waste, and it is a really bad feeling to have.  I work at a job that I just can not stand.  I really hate every second that I am there.  The only reason I am still working there is because the people that I work with are like my family now.  I am there so often that it is seriously my second home.  But I am starting to think if it is worth it.  It makes me so unhappy knowing that this is my job.  If I didn't absolutely hate my one manager, I think it would be o.k.  But this guy is so rediculous, and he is usually the one who is there with me.  But I just don't want to have to start over at a new job again.  I've almost been there for a year, and I basically do whatever I want to do when I am there.  I don't know, I'm just annoyed I guess.  I also just really hate being single.  I always say that, but it is true.  I just don't get it.  I mean clearly, I haven't been the best boyfriend to people, but I do try.  It is just seriously so hard to meet people, and then I feel like when I do meet someone, they are like intimidated by me which, I seriously can't understand.  Ugh it is just frustrating knowing that I have so much to offer to someone, but no one to give it to.  But I know, all I need is patient and it will eventually happen for me.  But I just want to start my life, and it hasn't been going in any right direction.  ugh....I am just so stressed and annoyed, obviously.  But whatever, I'll get over it eventually.  :o(  BLAH!

i mean, even though im pretty sure the spice girls lipsynch, I'm just still really excited to see them in concert, its gonna be amazing  

me and anna are seeing the Spice Girls!  Ugh I can't even FUCKING WAIT!  I'm so stoked!

so I have so much school work to do.  I have to read some book about Bullfighting for my History of Spain book in 2 weeks, and read half of The Ilyiad in two weeks too.  Basically, I hate reading.

Just about the time the shadows call
I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do I'll open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

This song basically sums up the way I've been feeling lately.  I really don't know what my problem is.  Like, I really don't mind being single.  I honestly am having so much fun hanging out with my friends, and going out, but at the same times its like, there has to be more than that.  I want something more than that.  I don't know, basically I feel like I've missed my chance at having that one relationship that makes it all better.  I don't know why, I just do.  Maybe because I know it feels like to feel complete, but I was to afraid to let it sink in at the time, and now it's too late.  And I mean, its fine, I just get depressed sometimes about it.  I sometimes just wish I wasn't gay, because I think things would be so much easier.  Maybe they wouldn't, I just really dislike the gay scene.  I'm lame I guess.  It's such a frustrating feeling to know that most gay men are not what I am looking for.  I just wish things could get slightly easier.  Whatever